The Attempted Depersonalization and Reconstruction Of My Identity:

My Psychiatric Label and How I Got It.

By Patricia Lefave, Labelled, D.D. (P)

"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act."
George Orwell.

In 1992 I went to work in a psychiatric hospital as part of my job with a health care agency. There I had the misfortune to meet a psychiatric nurse with a "special" secret and a "hidden" power. He had been trained in a system (beyond that of the practical nurse of his official status) by an organization which many people have perceived as a cult or "cult-like." Whichever way you may view this training, if used in a certain way, it promises "power, satisfaction and the ability to create and define reality itself for all others."

'Let me see your fear' (game concept)

An Excerpt From:
The Doors of Perception
By Aldous Huxley, 1956

“Alienists [the former name of psychiatrists] have dosed themselves with mescalin in the hope thereby of coming to a better, a first hand, understanding of their patients’ mental processes. Working unfortunately on too few subjects within too narrow a range of circumstances, psychologists have observed and catalogued some of the drug’s more striking effects. Neurologists and physiologists have found out something about the mechanism of its action upon the central nervous system. And at least one professional philosopher has taken mescalin for the light it may throw on such ancient, unsolved riddles as the place of mind in nature and the relationship between brain and consciousness.
There matters rested until, two or three years ago, a new and perhaps highly significant fact was observed.*
Actually, the fact had been staring everyone in the face for several decades; but nobody, as it happened, had noticed it until a young English psychiatrist, at present working in Canada, was struck by the close similarity in chemical composition, between mescalin and adrenalin. (emphasis mine PL) Further research revealed that lysergic acid, an extremely potent hallucinogen, derived from ergot, (a substance appearing in grains that used to drive people into insanity PL) has a structural biochemical relationship to the others. Then came the discovery that adrenochrome, which is a product of the decomposition of adrenalin, can produce many of the symptoms observed in mescalin intoxication. But adrenochrome probably occurs spontaneously in the human body. In other words, each one of us may be capable of manufacturing a chemical, minute doses of which are known to produce profound changes in human consciousness. Certain of these changes are similar to those which occur in that most characteristic plague of the twentieth century, schizophrenia. ((flight or fight response produces epinephrine (adrenaline) PL) Is the mental disorder due to a chemical disorder? And is the chemical disorder due in its turn, to psychological distresses affecting the adrenals? (And could this fear/anger reaction have anything to do with those ‘others’ behaving in aggressive and domineering ways who can never be blamed for anything? PL) It would be rash and premature to affirm it. The most we can say is that some kind of a prima facie case has been made out. Meanwhile the clue is being systematically followed, the sleuths- biochemists, psychiatrists, psychologists- are on the trail.”

(But since no one in external reality can be blamed, a piece of the ‘mystery’ is always going to be missing for them, isn’t it? The passing of more than fifty years since this was published kind of confirms that, wouldn’t you say? PL)

*see the following papers: Schizophrenia. A New Approach.” By Humphrey Osmond and John Smythies. Journal of Mental Science, Vol. XCVIII. April 1952.
“On Being Mad” By Humphrey Osmond. Saskatchewan Psychiatric Services Journal. Vol. 1 No. 2 September 1952.

Inside my protagonist’s ‘game’, the abstract concepts of it can be heard as a revelation, an accusation or an instruction, depending upon your point of view, current understanding, motivation and concrete goal. Apparently HE heard the words as an instruction. All the nurse needed to do was to choose his target, his concrete goal, and then follow the plan to get what he wanted; control of his target of choice, and the control of everyone's understanding of ‘reality.’

Though I became aware of most of what he was doing, I didn't really understand all of it until after the psychological assault on me caused my breakdown in 95. Even though I even knew the name of his assaultive routine, I couldn't get anyone to accept what I said as "real" and I couldn't stop them either. They would not even admit their involvement. By covering up their participation, they allowed it to go completely out of control. In fact, the more I protested, the worse it got.

Deconstructing Reality

Post breakdown, I did my best to prove my own case regarding this nurse, while all involved continued to refuse to accept the reality of it. In 1999, I found a book while waiting for the next assessment of crazy me with the next psychiatrist in the team. It was on the nurse's training and spelled out what went on inside this "secret" system of "enlightenment." I realized he had been quoting from it in something he said and which he had written down. Imagine my surprise when even concrete proof got me nowhere with his employers, the C.E.O. and Chief Nursing Officer of the psychiatric hospital.

Tearing Me Down

My experience, my recovery and my struggle with the mental illness system has been a real education to me to say the least. I have indeed been "enlightened" though not in the way I expect the nurse had it planned. Because of the outcome, I knew I had to look for more information both on the nurse's personal ""secret" system and the mental illness system as well. The parallel between both of them and the dysfunctional family also was quite shocking. No wonder I could not differentiate the good guys from the bad guys.

Title:
Getting it : the psychology of est /
Author:
Fenwick, Sheridan, 1942-
Publisher:
Philadelphia : Lippincott, c1976.
Description:
1st ed.191 p. ; 22 cm.
Subject(s):
Erhard seminars training.

LOCATION:
WLU Book Shelves
Status:
In Library
Call Number:
RC489 .E7F46
Number of Items:
1

In 2002, I got on the Internet for the first time thanks to Public access and researched the nurse's so called "game," hoping to find more details than the book provided in 99.Though I have told the nurse's employer and many others all about it, they have remained mute towards me, and even suggested many times that my failure to "let it go" and accept all of the losses without complaint (a concept right out of the game) "could" be seen as "signs" of MY "mental illness." I still face the possibility of more "help" if I do not agree to remain silent about this matter, as I have been instructed to do more than once. The nurse remains protected by the hospital, and he and all those involved with the exception of a couple of them, remain employed there. They all pretend they know nothing about what they did. It is this attitude of the mental illness system, and the ease with which they took over control of my life and virtually destroyed it for me in the name of "help" that has motivated me to take this proactive stance. I am against a system that can totally invalidate me as a human being in ten to eleven cost effective minutes and then deny responsibility fore their OWN thinking and behaviour even after they know better. I do not want people who operate with blatantly obvious double standards to be given the right to control me, or anyone else, without having the right to question what they do, to protest what they do, or just to get away from them. These are the doctors many of us do not want to hire and are not ‘allowed’ to fire either.

"Unbiased Neutral Gateway"

The evidence in my own case has meant precisely nothing to them, so now I am going to be as public about it as I can be, even though I know that doing so is putting me at risk of further “treatment." For I have been warned... It also does a lot for getting me harassed by the group's relatives, friends and neighbours in a somewhat "covert" manner which includes spreading all the more "stories" which are supposedly about me but which are often about the attempts to justify the group's behaviour, by providing others with "proof" of how "crazy" or ‘anti-social’ I am, as though it has nothing to do with them.

I have been warned by the system that I am not "allowed" to talk about this publicly, nor "ask anyone if they have heard anything about this" as it will be considered to be “ inappropriate behaviour " on my part. In fact, I was told quite directly that I was being kept out of my job from 1999 to 2000 to prevent me from asking anyone, out here...in the world of reality...if they "had heard anything about this."

So, after years of research which only proved what I already knew, but which also gave me all of the abstract concepts of the nurse's system for obtaining power and control, I got the full understanding of which he spoke to me back near the beginning of his routine in 93. I could then match it to my concrete experience with him, his co-workers, and all the rest of his blind supporters throughout the community. I had been set up for this attack, (which I already knew before I broke down and which was "diagnosed" as part of my "symptoms”) in a way which I (and anyone else involved) would only be able to see clearly with hindsight, if ever at all. With that hindsight I have now had for a number of years, here to follow are the details of the method used by this psychiatric nurse to prove his "superiority" to himself, to me, and to everyone else he manipulated to act out on his behalf and at his direction.

Part 2 to follow