Segment 3

 2:22:27 PM 

My Psychiatric Label and How I Got It.

By Patricia Lefave, Labeled, D.D. (P)

As I tried to explain to one psychiatrist, or nurse, after another, without success, I also started to understand WHY psychiatrists could not hear the truth. They are trained too; trained NOT to hear the same conceptual truth about families, workplaces, or school groups. They hear complaints of the same routine as that demonstrated in the nurse's ''special'' training as ''mental illness'' in the complainant. They completely deny the group phenomenon even exists, even though they KNOW it is an essential component in breaking down the individual. All of the same kinds of tactics are used to break political prisoners, so they KNOW this does, what it does, to people. Yet, when they are part of the group doing it without INTENT, suddenly they don’t know, what they do know. I believe some of them call that methodology for breaking someone down, depatterning. Half the community got involved in my ''fascinating case'' and they are still ''assessing'' me in 2006, thirteen years after the nurse started it. (which is now fifteen. This is the period of time that has passed since I became AWARE of ''the game.'') They are also still denying the whole thing!

In order to keep this a more compact version of my own personal experience, I will run through the rest of the concepts here, fairly quickly, connecting them to my own personal experience with the well trained stimulus-response machine who acted them all out as my protagonist. We are now approaching the halfway point. These are the rest of the exercises, processes and principles out of his training. First, he got all the rules by which he would run his game. He had to abide by the rules, without question, if he wanted to stay; to belong, to this group. He was told that before his training was over, he wouldn't know the difference between one word and another. He learned that it was about ‘tearing’ people down and rebuilding them in accordance with his desires and specifications. He was not to justify anything to me, or anyone else. They told him they just use the rules because they work. (Work HOW you may wonder?) Why, they don't even call them rules. They call them "agreements." (It sounds a lot like mutuality that way doesn't it?)

He was told, "You make up the rules as you go along." (That's one of the rules) He separated his target (me) from people I knew. It's a control thing you see. Control. They taught the soon to be professional ‘mechanical anus’, how to walk, how to talk, what to say, what he was "allowed" to eat , to drink, when he could go to the bathroom and what medications he would be "allowed" to take. A doctor would be telling them what they had to take. (MY...this sounds and feels so familiar to me; very psych hospital isn't it?) Those who had to take medications were set apart from the others in a special section. (The Psych Prof. who wrote this book noted the previous group of trainees in the room looked like automatons; mechanical) My protagonist was shown how to gather personal information, and then ask others about things to which his target (me) might react and HOW these people, giving him information on this might react also. He was taught to find three people the "subject" knows and find out how they, in turn might react to things. (He questioned people who knew me and asked them for information about me, which apparently he got.) He was told the training would give him "access" to ‘things.’

It was demonstrated or him that no notes or concrete evidence of what went on in the training was to exist which would reveal the concepts of the training (Actually, I think he may have dosed off just a bit during that part of the demo, as I have a few pieces of written material from him that DOES reveal some of the concepts) There was to be no discussion or revelation of these contents with "outsiders." (Those who aren't enrolled in the organization) Therefore, I think if you asked him, you would find that he did not tell his co-workers what he was doing either but rather what he wanted them to know, or what he suggested to them, intending they should ‘interpret’ these things according to their own ‘inputs.’ I DID tell some of them though, and some of the psychiatrists too. They just decided it was all my "delusion." Did they all know back then that it wasn't?

In his training there was a point he reached where he "crossed the line" and this is where one begins to identify with one "side" or the "other" and where people begin to start acting it out. There are no clocks allowed either so that the sense of time itself becomes fuzzy. There is no psychological safety zone allowed in the training and they want everyone to be "committed." (This is the sort of thing that I believe causes my protagonist's little eyeballs to roll back in his brainwashed head and feel the orgasm of delight caused by the absurd irony of It all) Get IT? "Committed." This is the part that is the "joke" to him. Har Har.

Sensory deprivation and group pressure was used to tear down the target prior to rebuilding ‘it’ (or me) in the second half of the training; such as withholding food, water or sleep. (In my concrete life, motion detecting flood lights were raised up to shine on my curtains all night during the tearing me down period and they flashed on and off all night whenever a squirrel sneezed. My windows were pounded on many times in the middle of the night. I felt like I was being drugged with something and told my employer so. She asked for a drug test for me when I was being admitted (‘voluntarily’ committed) which I did not get. I told a therapist the same thing after the fact; that I had felt like a guy I knew years ago, often looked, when he was taking speed.) In my protagonist's training, stimulants are allowed but nothing sedating is allowed. (Sedation would prevent the breakdown of the target.)

It was pointed out to him that what people experience as "reality" will be filtered through their beliefs and expectations. (The hospital staff proved the truth of that for him didn't they? What were THEIR beliefs and expectations about what was going on between the two of us? Were they by chance, the exact opposite of mine? Remember I once said it was like being ‘stalked by proxy’? (Everyone was supporting the aggressor and giving him information, just as SHOWN in his secret training.) He was told that "reasonableness" is the LOWEST level of consciousness. (There's ‘the Switch!’ and the majority don't even notice it. He himself bought the "switch" but is not yet aware of it and what it will cost him for failing to see It.) When you "throw the switch" they say in the training, the light is either on, or it's off. You either ‘get it’ or you don't. (There is no part way ‘getting it’ in this paradigm) He was told the true meaning of understanding in this game and that understanding was the prize for those who came in last in the race. He was shown (and then later secretly "shared" his "experience" with me as part of the chain reaction ) that he would be leaving decision making, hope, and help behind him while he was crossing that line that separated the inferior from the superior, (which is true depending upon HOW you hear that and in which direction you believe it is running from your own ‘perspective’) and that once crossed, he (and subsequently I) would have to accept our inevitable fate as either a victim or an aggressor (cause we can't be both we are informed) and after that we would have to participate in this game by sharing our experience from our chosen point of view.(The Psych Prof. noted that if anyone dared to disagree with the arguments presented by the leaders, they got shot down very quickly for it. I believe that is because part of this training is to insist that all accept the training of ‘authority’ without question, and the MAJORITY of people co-operate with that idea.)

Many of the arguments presented to invalidate any dissenting opinion seemed like a con job to her. Then, it was suggested again to, "Keep the contents to yourself as it will only confuse those who have not taken the training."

(What this MEANS depends upon you motivation and goal. Is it a positive or negative statement to you? Is your goal to clarify, or to confuse? Is it a true or false statement depending upon HOW you think? The Psych. Prof. noted here that obfuscation is DESIGNED to confuse. ) My protagonist was told that It's about communication.

(Yes. It's presence, or the ambiguity of it, or the total lack of it, depending again upon your "perspective") He learned that key words were a jargon used to communicate to members of his own group in a meaning outsiders would not understand, or even notice. Common everyday words were given their own unique and alternate meanings within the group. ''Purpose'' for example means the ‘continuous nature’ (infinite loop) if It, and ''ability'' means ‘power.’ He was told that ‘completed experiences disappear’ and that only those we resist continue to bother us.

(Yet he and his friends continue to resist the truth I have told them and I continue to bother them about It. My perspective on the same words and there is always more than one meaning in words. ALWAYS. Context is vital, and so is an effort made by all parties involved in communication to understand each other. ) He was shown that ‘the group felt morally superior’ to those who did NOT follow the leader (authority) without question. They did what they were told to do.

(The hospital authority employing my protagonist allegedly told them they were not to admit to anything. They also told me that I was not to attempt to confront anyone at the hospital about this assault on me by their own staff. Both of these instructions were delivered separately supposedly without either ‘side’ knowing about the other. But MY ‘side’ of the experience knows. )

He was told in his special group that he should feel free to use whatever he got out of his training, at his job. The phrases or concepts he hears which relate to it in the outside world are thought to make him feel a sense of connection to his ‘superior’ group. He has yet to get HIS reward though.

(For coming in last in the game of life.) (This was the promise near the beginning of this so called ''joke.'') He does not yet realize that according to the understanding of some, he is a link in a chain of losers, all suffering the effects of the training in relation to the one who has caused it, at the top of the pyramid of power and ‘total control.’ He has left decision making, hope, and help behind him, just as he expects me to do, and he is expected to accept his fate.

(He does not understand that what he 'switched" can be switched back, even though I told him that I could do It. He did not believe an "inferior" like me could possibly understand what he does not. He knows I did not take the so-called training, so how could I possibly understand what he couldn't?)

It was rumoured afterwards that he had been "teaching me how to think." He also had written me a note to that effect, expressed abstractly of course. You see, both sides are losing in this 'game'. It is set up that way. There are no ''winners'' based upon making a choice between being a victim OR an aggressor. Both sides are losing in this ‘game.’ My protagonist apparently doesn't know that. It seemed obvious to me. But then, I realized that what seems obvious to me is a mystery to many others. This has much to do with my understanding about a lot of my life experiences now. (It was one of the keys that allowed me to decipher enough of it to regain my own sanity.) He was instructed (as HE no doubt heard it) to participate in this game by sharing his experience as HE understands it. (Can those who trained him in this chain reaction help it if he TOOK It the "wrong" way?)

He heard that he was to ‘realize his experience.’ Understand It? Make it concrete? Did it dawn on him? Was he ‘enlightened’? Did he make it real, out here, in concrete reality? He learned that if he got ‘on top of this experience’, he could control everything and everyone whom he considered to be ‘beneath’ him; like me, his co-workers, my landlords etc. Power. That's what It is all about. Power. He heard he could be ‘the source’ at the top and in total control of ‘everything that happens to him.’ (Absolute terms again. Bet he missed that too) Do you also see the potential fulfillment of prophecy in that if he falls for ‘it’ and then acts it out?

You see, ‘the source’ is in a position right from the start, to shift existentially off of the nexus point of abstract meaning and sidestep ‘responsibility’ for everything that happens, to everyone else, because of it, including his victims AND the supportive aggressors who side with him as the leader. They are ALL losers compared to the one at the top of the experience who plans it. In fact, the one who is really at the top (It’s creator) is the ONLY one who can actually shift his way out of It. No one understands the system as well as the one who originally created it, for only he knows the real plan, the hidden agenda, and the true goal of his own recreation. (or perhaps someone else can see it too?) Everyone gets to choose whether they prefer to "choose" the role of victim, being blamed for their victimization OR aggressors who choose to excuse themselves for their aggression by handing the responsibility for It to their victims. At least, that is what I get from the understanding of It.

My protagonist was shown that what all these abstract concepts meant, change, when the individuals project their own subjective experience, beliefs and attitudes INTO It; like I did, and his co-workers did, and the public they all involved did too. As long as he remained vague and abstract, there was no REAL proof that he had intended to do anything. All other people would take it whatever way they wanted to take It...just like he was shown inside the training. He could not be held responsible for what any of the others did, could he? After all, they CHOSE to behave that way and then they CHOSE to try to cover it all up. Isn't this an excellent way to hand his problems to other people? He learned you see, that what you "do with problems is hand them to someone else.”

Once he selected his target (that would be ME this time) he learned that he could get rid of me (replace me, as he wrote down in one of his notes to me, “everything THING can be replaced.”) by recreating and following the conceptual "play" that had been demonstrated for him in his training by connecting It to his own personal, specific, concrete and ‘hidden’ goal. All he had to do was keep the true starting point of the game, the switch, his planned goal, and the abstract concepts a secret from me, and from everyone else involved, as instructed...if that is the way he ‘got It.’

Also in his training, he did exercises to point out the difference between concrete and abstract reality, between multiple meanings, between physical and metaphysical. (One of our little "chats" was about the difference between concrete and abstract meaning. Of course, at the time, I took this all at face value, as an equal human and assumed the ‘topics’ were not connected, just as it was intended that I should. ) One of the fantasies in his training was about getting rid of whatever targeted "item" he chose.

As he acted out in the role of aggressor, he got to see what it would be like to see the fear of his chosen victim when she could not reason with him, nor just get him to leave her alone. The victims are expected to accept responsibility for BEING victimized. It was demonstrated for him in the training, so he could observe what it was like for the victim to be trapped with no one to rescue her (me), no place to go, no way to escape the attack. He saw how I would feel when I was watched, followed, reported on, by more and more people, many of whom I would not even know. (Find the book and read it)

His co-workers and many others, have been calling me stupid, from a few feet away, for many years. I am not "allowed" to confront any of them though, or talk about this publicly. If I do, his employer (my pseudo saviours) will find out and I could face "treatment" for complaining about THEM. It is a very effective power isn't It? When I reported this experience to psychiatry, (his employers) they all heard It as "symptoms" of mine as my protagonist knew that they would, for that is how THEY are trained to hear It.

He also learned to see anyone outside his group of "superior" people as the "enemy" from which the group as a whole, would protect itself by closing ranks. As shown, he collected information on me from more and more people he manipulated to help him and worked towards gaining "'access" to me as his training suggested it would. I later heard he had told them, or suggested vaguely, that I was "schizophrenic" and he was just trying to ‘help’ me as he ‘knew all about this sort of thing.’ I also heard he had told some people that HE was afraid of ME (the switch of positions with the victim, although I think that is also true on some level) and someone heard that HE had called the police on ME and told them that I was stalking HIM! The training system DID promise he would feel more "confident." Did you know the term "con" in con man is short for confidence? He was shown in this training that he is reacting to similarities to his previous life experience and that this has made him totally controlled and mechanical. It was also pointed out to him that he can only know what he knows when he knows it. (This is a way of saying that a person can’t deal with something if he doesn’t recognize it for what it is. ‘It Is’) and that he can't fix it once it is already done. He can't change the "now" can he?

Just to point this out to all concerned in my own case, as the target, THIS is ‘now’, and my protagonist and all his enthusiastic supporters, can't change what they have already done, or what they have continued to do, despite my telling them exactly what his game actually was, and IS. They could wake up it though, become ‘enlightened’, and stop the game playing.

He was told that he would receive his 'enlightenment' when he recognized that his strings were being pulled in. (or perhaps having his strings pulled?)Then I heard that he had gotten himself let into my apartment(s?) by my landlords and a handy man who knew my former landlord, (another drinker) and also was connected to an addiction counselor who worked at the psychiatric hospital; the same counselor I had once seen reporting, in a stairwell, along with the handy man, TO my protagonist. (Ah yes, the information gathering again)