...Breaking The Chains and Ending the Cycle


On Scapegoating


Dysfunctional groups of all types employ scapegoating as a means of blowing off suppressed emotions. Socially sanctioned targets are selected and used by a usually non verbal, but sometimes verbal, agreement.  This is a very effective method for releasing emotional pressure, for the whole group especially since the reason for it is denied. Better still is the tautology created which keeps it all going when the scapegoating itself is denied to exist and claimed by the group to be a perception/reaction problem the scapegoat is having which justifies the treatment of the group.

Nothing keeps a dysfunctional system going like keeping it closed to external interference or examination. The scapegoat can then be 'fixed' for complaining about his/her artificially constructed and imposed social position which has now been denied to even exist. Fixing the complainer for complaining is now socially sanctioned as well.

All escape routes are then successfully blocked.


When Does Con-fidentiality or Privacy
 Become Secrecy?


When the people keeping it all Con-fidential are doing so to protect themselves, and their own interests, while allowing their victim(s) to pay the ongoing price for it.

Ontario Provincial Police
Warns Public About Website
 March 2010

Ontario Provincial Police (OPP) in cooperation with the Ontario Corrections Intelligence Unit are warning the public about certain criminal websites possibly being used by thieves to break into your home when you are away. These websites used by criminals are linked to popular social networking websites. On these social networking websites (which are legitimate) you can update your profile to inform your friends as to when you are away from your residence and for how long. Certain criminal websites extracts this information and posts it on its pages and informs their users in any part of the world which houses are empty and at what times. When you consider how many millions of people use social networking websites around the world, the effects can be huge. The public is reminded that items posted on social networking websites are available to all on the web and not all persons on the web are “friends”. Please restrict what you put on your networking page(s) including photos of your residence/address, photos of vehicles including plate numbers and any up to the minute information as to your whereabouts, keep that for your local friends/people you know personally.


The Most Common Inappropriate Affect?


I believe that would be the laughter of the presumably ‘normal’ and sane folk as they treat the destruction of an individual’s life, mind and all around well being, as if it was entertainment.'

It is the favourite reality show for the mindless masses who consider themselves to be representational of mental ‘health.’



We Regret to Announce the Death of:
Alice Miller, Psychoanalyst, Dies at 87;  



Related Many Problems to Parental Acts
Alice Miller, a psychoanalyst who repositioned the family as a locus of dysfunction with her theory that parental power and punishment lay at the root of many human problems, died at her home in Provence on April 14. She was 87.

For full article click on the link in her name


The Answer to the Question,We Ask Our Covert Controllers-- WHY are You Doing This to Me?
Download free PDF file by clicking on the question below

HOW Everything and Nothing are the Same Thing

  •  3/27/2017
  •   Lefave, Patricia
  •    views
Once again superior people, all 'certain that you know' and who are STILL 'looking for reason' in the estian 'game. e. s.t. Is about using the SAME WORDS to mean abstract ideas AND concrete things. THAT is the Zen-like 'integration of opposites, and WHY you must say, 'and' and not 'but' in estian terms. So that when/if the est-ee says, 'nothing happened,' that equates to saying, 'e.s.t. Happened.' It also integrates the concrete reality of It with the abstract idea and the two become 'one.' Th...
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Abuse is About the Abuser- NOT the Target

  •  9/23/2014
  •   Lefave, Patricia
  •    views
This is something that does NOT get understood. This has little or nothing to do with the target. Abusers want to get a distress reaction because it makes them feel powerful to be able to do that. So does silence, as abusers “interpret” silence as a “win.” So it seems like you can't win with them and YOU CAN'T. You can't handle this by using “logic” as what they do, and how they think, is not LOGICAL. Nor can you appeal to their empathy as they suffer from a severe shortage, if they have ANY a...
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“You Say You've Got Herpes...

  •  6/16/2013
  •   Lefave, Patricia
  •    views
....and you think you got it from that Pat Lefave do you?” This is out of the latest performance by the genius who used to stand beside a partner (now deceased) acting out in contempt outside Woolworth's, muttering and performing during the Homewood staff/bus driver “fun” (which by the way was discussed by Woolworth's staff also) ,,,and although that partner in contempt is long gone now, he always manages to find a new one to help him with his verbally abusive, self righteous, hateful act....
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Another Victim Shames “The Family”

  •  12/24/2012
  •   Lefave, Patricia
  •    views
News from India-December 23rd, 2012 ...Where a rape takes place every twenty minutes A twenty three year old woman was just beaten and gang raped by six men while riding on a bus. One of the angry men speaking out against this act and supposedly talking about “women's rights” included as part of his explanation for this event, the inability of “these young men, especially from the north, to find wives for themselves.” Yep! You heard me. The man defending the rape victim equated a gang ...
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Are We All Basically the Same?

  •  11/18/2012
  •   Lefave, Patricia
  •    views
If you doubt that, pay attention to the groups of people who stand around mocking and ridiculing others together, as part of their bonding ceremonies, very often from a few feet away, as if those they mock were not really there. You will find representational membership in this from ALL groups of society, all religions or none, all colors, and in all areas of the world. It doesn’t get much more “equal” than that does it? This one I post today as an acknowledgement of the three male mockers at ...
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Anti-Bullying Action Plan

  •  10/18/2012
  •   Lefave, Patricia
  •    views
Take it Up a Level By Patricia Lefave, Monophrenic Personal beliefs need neither be included nor forbidden in a plan that works.  Freedom of thought and speech is a necessity if we are to try to keep anyone, or any group, from dictating the nature and parameters of our collective of reality to us. It is not generally the differing concrete details of life that are the problem with bullies. It is the bully's belief that s/he has a RIGHT to treat others with contempt, hatred, verbal, physical...
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Assholes- The Next Generation-

             Keep performing for us

I found this book VERY helpful and I think many of my readers will too. It is not new, but new enough that it may still be available in libraries.

A Few Words and Phrases From:


Emotional Blackmail

By Susan Forward, PhD.



“Why can’t I ever get my point across?...Blackmailers can skillfully mask the pressure they are applying to us, and often, we experience it in ways that make us question our perception of what’s happening…Yet, no matter how different they appear on the surface, they all have major traits in common…

…The people we are coming up against in these can’t-win situations are skilled manipulators.


Chapter 1:

Diagnosis: Emotional Blackmail

Sub section:  What’s the real motive?

If someone’s primary goal is ‘to win…’ There’s no balance of power…


Chapter 2:

The Four Faces of Blackmail:

Punishers, Self Punishers, Sufferers and Tantalizers.


3. Their Blind Spots—and Ours

“…They genuinely believe in the correctness of what they are doing and the rightness of what they want…They tend to fuse and enmesh themselves with those around them.


Chapter 4:

(My own favourite Chapter: I feel like I could also name this one “Psychiatric Blackmail: tools of the trade’, since it fits so well)


Tools of the Trade:

Sub headings

The Spin Doctor, Confusing Labels, Making us ‘Bad’, Pathologizing, What’s Wrong with YOU?, Dangerous secrets, Enlisting Allies, Bringing in Fresh Troops, Calling on a Hidden Authority, (God, psychiatrists etc.) Negative Comparisons (to others who are ‘better’ than you because they co-operate)

‘…The ‘spin involves applying adjectives—positive ones to the blackmailer and the compliant target; negative ones to the person who resists… The experience is disorienting…we begin to internalize the blackmailer’s questions about our perceptions, our character, our worth, our desirability, our values. We are trapped in a dense FOG…We buy into the spin because we want our friends, lovers, bosses and family members to be right and good, not mean unfeeling or oppressive…


Sub Heading

It’s All About Them

…‘All the blackmailers we’ve seen are focused almost totally on THEIR needs, THEIR desires; they don’t seem to be the least bit interested in OUR needs or how their pressure is affecting us. Blackmailers can be like steamrollers when we don’t satisfy them, becoming ruthless in their single minded pursuit of their goals…It is a strange kind of love that is so blind to the target’s feelings…


Making Mountains Out of Molehills

Sub heading

Teaching us a Lesson


…’Insults an infantilizing are similarly explained away with the, ‘it’s for your own good rationale… there are attractive payoffs to clinging to this erroneous idea of punishment as training. Blackmailers can live with almost anything if they can make targets seem like dunces…In this way they can avoid any introspection…’



Old Battles, New Victims

…’the blackmailer strikes out at a target who has become a stand-in for a figure from the past…’ (this is known as acting out on a surrogate)


The Blame- Taker

…’ In fact, they [blackmailers] demand that we buy into it. If they’re displeased, we’re the problem. And our compliance with them is the solution. Under pressure from her family to recant or face exile…She had become the family scapegoat… it is not uncommon for one person to become the repository of everything that goes wrong in the family…in order to keep everyone else in balance…It is especially tough to believe your own perceptions are valid when people you love are telling you how crazy, wrong or sick you are…


A Vicious Cycle

 ..”It was a totally no-win situation…Under pressure we do something that doesn’t fit with who we are…”


Rationalizing and Justifying

“Protecting our integrity can be frightening and lonely…She did what many blackmail targets do given a choice between being true to themselves and complying with what someone else wants: she rationalized.’


The Impact on Our Well Being

‘Emotional blackmail leaves us full of unexpressed smoldering feelings.’

The Impact on the Relationship

Shutting Down

Targets of emotional blackmail become so accustomed to negative judgments disapproval, pressure and overreactions that…they are reluctant to share major parts of their lives. We stop talking about… (listed)…Just below the artificial calm that surrounds a placated blackmailer and a target who has given in, is the widening chasm that is opening between them….In a blackmail tainted situation, relationships with friends , lovers and family members that once had real depth begins to get thinner as the roster of safe topics shrinks.’

A New Dance

Be prepared for even more pressure as blackmailers try to regain their position.